I Blur

Today I want to talk about something that isn't a mistake in English, but something which I feel is a mistake in Italian. Yes, that's right, after seven years in Italy I now feel called to teach Italians how to speak their own language. However, bear with me, this is not about mislaid congiuntivos or complemento oggettos tragically misapplied; there is a connection with English. 

So what am I talking about? The Italian habit of using plural articles for singular band names. I will give you an example: Italians talk about "i Pink Floyd" (or "i Pin Floi" if you're Venetian), "i Led Zeppelin", "gli Oasis" and, as in the title of this post, "i Blur". Italians, Led Zeppelin wasn't a group composed of four Zeppelins made out of misspelled lead, it's a name for the band as a whole. In fact, the name "Led Zeppelin" was born as a variation on the expression of something going down "like a lead balloon", i.e. something having no success at all. But it's a play on words, a concept, not a group of items. Similarly, there are or were no four Oasis (Oasises?), four Blurs or four Floyds, and if you ask which one is Pink you make yourself ridiculous. These band names are just fancy titles to refer to the groups as a collective. So you don't need to, in fact, you shouldn't, refer to them in the plural.

Of course there are bands which do feel they are groups of Monkeys, Beatles, Animals or Kinks. You can usually tell if you have a plural band name if the name of the band ends in -s, unless you have an irregular plural such as in "the Village People", but don't let those fool you. For these kinds of band names you can use your "i" and "gli" without any problem.

Now, I realise that, unlike my other blog entries, I am not strictly talking about an error here. Italian convention has it that all bands which consist of more than one person shall be referred to in the plural and in Italian this is not considered a mistake. It's just that for an English speaker it grates against one's sense of grammar. It's like getting aluminium foil on your fillings. So, yes, in this case I would like to suggest a small change in the Italian language, just for the sake of logic.

P.s. There is also a trend for bands to use a plural noun and no article in English, such as the band "Foals". This annoys me also in English, and that's probably because I'm too old.

The fantasy apostrophe

This blog is about common errors Italians make when speaking English, so let's assume you are Italian and live in Italy. For the sake of today's topic, let's also assume you have a business and you want a name for it that's trendy and modern. What could be more trendy and modern than a bit of English, right? But how can we make this name sound English? Ah, I know, these English speakers, they use apostrophes, don't they? That's right, I remember something from school about a certain "genitivo sassone" or something like that. So if I put an apostrophe in the name, this name will automatically be cool, trendy, modern, and, most of all, English. It's like magic!

The above is what I must assume to be the reasoning behind the liberal sprinkling of randomly placed apostrophes on signs and shop fronts. Unfortunately, adding a random apostrophe doesn't miraculously turn a name or phrase into English. For example, the "Dog's Shop" sign in my neighbourhood would tell an English speaker that the owner of the shop is, in fact, a dog. Perhaps that really is the case, in which case I would like to compliment this very smart animal on its excellent English grammar skills, but somehow how I doubt it. Even more baffling is an establishment called "Hair's Sandy". Is Sandy owned by a hair? Or is this apostrophe "s" actually a contraction of "is"? Perhaps Sandy is so devoted to her hairdressing business that she feels she has become the hair? Or perhaps she meant "Sandy's hair" and got the order wrong? It's a mystery.

It's not my intention here to make fun of people's language skills. Every language learner makes mistakes and that's fine; that's how you learn. However, I would advise against naming your business using a language you don't have a solid grip on. If you are Italian  perhaps you should consider naming your shop in Italian, widely considered to be a beautiful language. Many businesses abroad adopt Italian names to be considered tasteful and stylish, so you could do much worse. If you insist on having an English name, then perhaps give a free haircut to an English teacher to make sure you get the grammar right.

One ticket, please.

It must be nice to work at a ticket office in England. You arrive in the morning at, say, nine o'clock. You open your ticket window and wait. Your first customer arrives nice and early at ten past nine and buys a ticket. You sell it to them. Behind them is another customer. They also want a ticket. You say: "Sorry mate, but everything is sold out".  Your customer is a bit surprised, not to say annoyed. "Sold out? Already? It's only ten past nine and I don't see anyone else around here." "That's right, mate, look at the sign. This is a 'ticket office'. Ticket. Singular, you see. So we only ever sell one ticket. Sorry. Try again some other day." Satisfied with your day's work, you close the counter and go home and back to bed. Who wouldn't want a job like that?

As you may have guessed, this is not how things work in England nor in other English speaking countries, so I can understand why so many Italians speak and write about a "ticketS office". In fact, I've seen this version show up at world famous heritage sites.* The thing is, "ticket office" doesn't really mean "the office of the tickets", but rather, it tells us the type of office we are talking about. Think of a swimming pool. It's not a pool full of mysterious creatures called "swimmings", is it? No, it's the kind of pool that is suitable for swimming. A racing car is a car that is good for racing, a card game is a type of game you play with cards, and a job centre is a place that finds people jobs - more than one, or so we hope. Thus, a ticket office sells tickets, you go to the post office with your letters, and the unicorn office deals with unicorns. In plural, when they can find them. Though those guys really do have an easy job.




*Guys, for a few hundred euro and bottle of good red wine, I can sort this out for you. You can find my email at the top of the page.

The beer is in his beard

A bit of pronunciation today. Many trendy guys, as well as those too lazy to shave, have beards these days. But how to pronounce the word? I think many people's reasoning is a bit like this: I know how to pronounce the word "bear", you know, Winnie the Pooh, Baloo and the nameless creature that is Masha's best friend. So I say "bear" and then I put a "d" at the end of it and that's that. Which is logical. Unfortunately, the English language is not logical and therefore learners have to suffer. I'm sorry about that, but there's nothing I can do about it. And so, surprise surprise, "bear" and "beard" are pronounced differently. Rather than furry animals that live in the forest, you have to think about that nice lovely drink that you get at the Oktoberfest. That's right, boys and girls, you have to think about beer! In fact, it's quite a nice thing to think about, so I suppose this isn't a problem. So think of "beer", stick a "d" at the end of it, and you have the right pronunciation of "beard".

I think the best way to remember this is to think of a hipster guy with a great big hipster beard. If it helps imagine a vintage shirt, big glasses, perhaps a pair of skinny jeans and a love of obscure bands - you can let your imagination do the work. Now, one thing hipsters love is beer. Not just any beer, mind you. No, a proper hipster likes craft beer, made with care and attention in a micro-brewery. However, the problem is that these specialty beers can be quite expensive compared to a can from your local Lidl, and here our hipster takes a great risk. He takes a sip of his costly artisan-created drink and then, disaster, most of it ends up in his facial hair! Oh no! The beer is in his beard! Keep this image in your head and you will never forget the right pronunciation of "beard" again.

Don't wait for me!

Onto the first post of the blog!

Picture the situation. You make some lovely Roman friends at a party. Hooray! Even better, they invite you to come visit them. "We wait for you in Rome", they say. "How depressing", you think.

Wait a minute, Sophie! Why would it be depressing to have some friends in Rome who want you to come visit them? It's not of course. It's just that when you say "We wait for you in Rome"* what I'm picturing is these nice Roman people sitting in their lovely Roman apartment (Think La Grande Bellezza, a balcony with a view of the Colosseum, that type of thing. Because of course all Romans have that kind of house.) and waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Poor things. What a sad existence. To clarify, when you "wait" for something or something, in English that generally means you don't do much else. Except maybe check your smartphone. Or read a book. Pace the room impatiently. Pick your nose. Etc. But using the word "wait" implies you aren't really getting on with your life until the waited-for thing has happened. So when I hear "I wait for you in Rome", I kind of feel someone is sitting there, staring at the walls, waiting for my arrival and not doing much else. And who knows when I will get there, between work and the general fun of Trenitalia it might take years. So please don't stay at home waiting for me. Go out, have fun, see your friends, carpe diem! In the meantime you can tell me: "We hope to see you in Rome". One day I will come visit, I promise.


*Apart from the fact that the present simple is just wrong here.

Mission Statement

The title says it all, really. This blog is about some of the common mistakes Italian people make when speaking English. By mistakes in this context I don't mean grammatical errors. If you want to conquer the present perfect or find out where to put that adverb, find yourself a good teacher. I'm talking about the little things that keep coming up, often but not always when people translate word for word from Italian that, while we often have no trouble understanding you, just sound a bit, well, funny. I want to keep this blog to log some the common ones, some of the funniest ones, and of course, some of the most potentially embarrassing ones. I hope to do so in an entertaining way, so you can laugh while you learn.

Now, before I start I want to make one thing very clear to any Italian readers. I'm not laughing at you or at your inability to speak English. In fact, I get so many students beating themselves up about how bad their English is and how badly Italians speak English in general. There's always room for improvement of course, but Italian, like other Latin languages, really is very different from English, so I think it is not all that easy to learn for you guys and, in any case, I respect anyone who speaks more than one language - many English speakers can't say the same thing! I also know that my Italian is far from perfect. If someone wants to start the blog "Things that foreigners always get wrong in Italian" I'd be its first follower!

Finally some of the rules.

I allow comments from anyone, but I moderate all of them. It might take me some time to get around to doing them, so please be patient if you don't see your comment.

I'll publish any reasonable comment, and in fact I'm more than happy to hear about it if you think I'm wrong about some aspect of English, Italian or just in general. However, please keep it friendly, constructive and civil.

Finally, I already have a list of mistakes that I want to write about. However, if you have thought of one you think I ought to talk about, please send me a mail and I will see if I can use it.